The Dance of Autonomy and Connection: Lessons from My Daughter

The Dance of Autonomy and Connection: Lessons from My Daughter

Lately, I’ve been listening to Weaving Harmony with Sophia Zilberman, and something she shared really struck me. She explains that when we are born, we have two primary needs:

1. To have autonomy and a sense of self.

2. Once that is established, to feel a sense of connection.

And here’s the key—true conn

ection doesn’t come from losing ourselves. We can’t merge with another at the cost of our own being. Instead, connection flourishes when we stand firmly in ourselves and meet another from that place.

This got me thinking about autonomy in children, particularly in how I’ve nurtured it in my daughter. I’ve always sought to offer her autonomy in as many ways as I can—letting her make choices, honoring her voice, and trusting her process. And what I’ve discovered is that autonomy isn’t just something to “give” a child; it’s something they are.

Autonomy as a Path to Deep Presence

When a child is truly allowed to be themselves, something beautiful happens: they sink deeply into the present moment. They don’t rush to finish a task for the sake of completion, nor do they seek external validation. They engage in what they are doing with a full-bodied presence.

I’ve witnessed this in my daughter—the way she pours herself into play, how she moves through her world with calmness and clarity, and how she trusts her own rhythm. Her autonomy hasn’t led to disconnection, defiance, or chaos. Instead, it has cultivated a deep well of security, grounding her in a sense of self that allows her to meet the world with openness.

Invisible Learning: The Being Within the Doing

So much of what we call “learning” is focused on outcomes: Can they tie their shoes? Write their name? Follow instructions? But there’s a deeper, invisible learning happening—the kind that isn’t measured by a checklist but is felt in the way they move, think, and relate.

When we focus only on whether a task is completed “correctly,” we miss the being within the doing. But when we honor a child’s autonomy, we allow them to experience themselves in each moment. They aren’t just learning how to do things; they are learning how to be in the world.

Holding Autonomy and Connection Together

What I’m coming to realize is that autonomy and connection are not opposites—they are dance partners. When we allow a child to fully be themselves, we don’t lose connection with them. In fact, we deepen it. Because true connection isn’t about control or enmeshment; it’s about meeting one another as whole beings.

And perhaps this is the lesson for all of us—not just as parents, but as humans. We don’t have to give up our sense of self to connect with others. We don’t have to rush past our own being to meet the world. Instead, we can trust that when we stand in who we are, the right connections will find us.

And in that space—where autonomy and connection intertwine—there is peace.